ayooooooo ahahaah hiiii!!1! >_<
its been a while since ive updated, but now im looking into css so look!!!!!!!!!!! its pink now!!! XD
tbh i decided to go to tumblr for my blogging purposes, since building it up from scratch here is gonna take 4EVRRR
but im not abandoning this! bc i rly rly like coding even tho it makes my meemaw-ass tendons hurt jhdgjshdg
so basically htis is kindofa test :) baiiiiiiiii ˆ_ˆ
omg my last entry was sooooo long ago wat de heck????? hi!!
okay a lot has changed since then wowzerzzzz 0_o i got into uni!!! for biology!! and its a public one so im rlly proud of myself for passing the exam!!!1! my classes only start in march tho, so ive been withput a proper routine since december and ive been ☆real depressed☆ and mostly spend my daays rotting in my room playing spider solitaire and watching horror/true crime/internet mysteryvids to try and feel something :'D and personal/old websites are recurring in those stories i got the urge to come back to this project!
i did make a spacehey acc a while ago basically to rp as a scene sparklecat, and thats the sorta thing i feel like doing (escapism) idk how to express it, i just... i want to have a place in the internet where no one can trace my posts back to my irl self... ik thats basically impossible, but what bothers me most is that i want to post my art but then i also post on my "business" insta acc.... idk idk im tired. im gonna make myself a snack and uhhh watch an ep of the terror and go to bed. i love you. bye ☆
okay, let's give this another try♪
it's been a while, and tho I didn't do anything relating to either this site or the spacehey profile, I have been on toyhouse A LOT recently, and it's been tons of fun!
I have been logging my progress there kinda like a journal, and I actually found it really helpful!
my memory is pretty bad so if I don't write about my day I'll probably just forget it. since, like, 2021 I've started carrying around a little schedule book and every day, at the start of class, I'd write a short summary of the previous day, then see my goals and tasks for the near future. it was working very well! ...until disaster struck...!!1
no but literally. my entire state flooded. the worst natural disaster of its history, as they say in the news.
I was extremely lucky and privileged to not have my home flooded or any loved ones missing or anything. the worst of it was that we had no running water for a couple weeks in may, but we could just go to a friend's house and shower and fill up some gallon bottles. Things are slowly getting back to normal by now, but my classes have been paused since may and are scheduled to begin again next monday.
just by these facts you can probably guess how my mental state is: i'm, like, okay........... sort of...
i've been able to see my friends and family like normal, i've found a class-less routine that has been working for me (mostly spend my days either drawing or working on my toyhouse, both things i enjoy and feel rewarded for) and i could go out like normal by now if i wanted to, but i just. don't. I feel not happy, but okay living in this "limbo", completely ignoring the world outside. I have gone outside about twice a week? once for dance class, twice for my psychiatrist, thrice if i count the times i have lunch with my dad in the restaurant that is literally part of the apartment complex. but i just avoid thinking about anything broader than my own little routine.
after this catastrophe that is clearly a product of climate change and poor state management - both causes I and basically every person under 30 care A LOT about and often take action against - i just kinda lost all hope in the world and the future. I know it's ecoanxiety teaming up with my general anxiety disorder, and that giving up is the fastest way to defeat, but that doesn't make it any easier.
it's funny, i remember a few years ago, or even just before the flood, I'd always had a hard time with activisim. In fact, the crux of most of my problems is that i've always found it hard to just generally do. And that sentiment of "it's in the interest of corporations that people get so anxious and overwhelmed by the prospect of climate change-induced extinction that they are paralysed and give up on trying to fight it" did motivate me. But now that i've really lived through one of these consequences, even if i was really lucky, it's so much harder to break that desperation spiral. I may be a queer disabled person from the global south, but the fact that i'm white and middle class allowed me to just "float over" most climate change consequences, since they start affecting the more disadvantaged. it sounds horrible, but of course it's easier to live knowing terrible things are happening to other people distant from yourself. This time, i LITERALLY saw the water rising up to my feet, and i'm just so scared....
wow, this took a turn. see? this is why i avoid even thinking about the state of the world. I know it's wrong for me to do so, and that being able to is a privilege, but i just can't, not yet. this will pass, like everything, i'll repay my debt in the future, i'll have to be alive and able to do anything positive anyway, so there really is no point of just sacrificing myself.
ugh... i went into this hoping to make a to-do list like i did on my toyhouse... cuz it's been working so well on keeping me moving and motivating... now i'm just sad. I just want to lay down but i know it won't make me feel any better, i know the best way to ward this feeling off is for me to do something that will take my mind off of it or prove to my wack ass brain that i do, in fact, have some power to change things around me. fuck. hell world.
hey! i'm back and feeling better ^__^;
what i wanted to say last time is that i've been using toyhouse a lot and found that making a little to-do list makes it so much easier and rewarding to do small tasks.
since my usual schedule book method isn't working, i thought i'd try making one for my non-toyhouse related tasks. this is why i came back to this site :3
Hi! Classes were postponed again (now for July 1st) so I'm still on my nothing routine. It's not bad, but I can tell it's just about to start being.
It's nothing like the social isolation from the pandemic, but I'm having that same "time isn't real" feeling. Like how tf is my birthday the day after tomorrow?? It's still April??? To me???????
But fr, I don't feel anxious at all and I wouldn't even say depressed either, just kinda bored and struggling with self-care and house chores bc I don't have them in my routine. It's like my brain thinks it's summer break again. but winter.
I'm actually excited for my bday, even if it does feel like it's come way too soon. I'm having dinner in a restaurant I LOVE but never go to with my immediate family :3 I haven't made plans with my friends but I mentioned wanting to go to a Drag show.
I think I'll leave it for later, maybe July, bc rn finding a date will b rlly hard. Some of my friends have vestibular exams in another town, there are a bunch of other ppl also celebrating their bdays, I'm going along with my mom to Uruguay for her to work, and, again, time makes no sense to me right now so I have no idea of exactly when these things are gonna happen.
I really don't mind celebrating my bday after the fact, it would be the third year in a row. in 2022 my family got COVID and then we moved and then I forgot abt it and ended up celebrating in September by just eating cake with a couple of my friends at home. And I liked it!
Anyway, back to tasks and the whole point of this blog, I actually got a couple done in the past few days, so I'm feeling a bit motivated, even. Also helps that we could hire someone to do some cleaning here on Friday, it's always so nice to be in a clean house ♪
I cut my nails, which is always good when you have dermatillomania. Still have to do my toenails but that's not a pressing issue
I also went out to the pharmacies around my house and asked for the flu shot, but they don't have it in those locations. While there, I got my contraception and fractioned my ADHD pills into smaller doses.
[Did you know you could do that? well, at least here you can. Seriously, the Vyvanse bottle costs around 500 BRL no matter the dosage, so we just started getting the 70mg bottles and splitting it into 25mg pills! it costs like 50 BRL to pay the... specialized pharmacy? how tf do you call them in english? — anyway, if you do the math that's almost THREE MONTHS of medication for the price of ONE. I got carried away but that's what a journal is for ig. anyway pro tip if ur meds r expensive!!!!]
I'll pat myself on the back bc the fractioning is a multi-step multi-day task! It's not just going there and buying it, I have to buy the bottle (with my mom bc I don't have money for that), bring it to the other pharmacy, get the request from my psychiatrist, send it to them and in the next day go back and get it when it's done. How ironic it is that I have to do all of that to get my ADHD medication. But I did it! and I only forgot to pick it up twice! (it was ready on Friday but I only got it today lmao). good job, me!!
I also calculated my spendings from April and May (yeah. I hadn't done that until now) so now I can rest easy abt money and even have some to spend if I do go out this month :3 yayyyyyy ♪♪♪
And I did try to make a call i need to make to ask abt my ID, but I think they were on lunch break so I got no answer. I lost my ID last year and finally got to making a new one on the end of March. They said it would be ready in 30 business days or whenever they contacted me, so i waited, and then i waited, and then climate change did some biblical shit to my state but now the office is reachable again so i gotta call and ask if it's ready, still being made or gone with the flood. Actually im gonna call rn hold up......... no answer :T
I also got my old ipod shuffle working again! not a task but very fun, was listening to my 2013 playlist yesterday and 1D aged better than i had expected??? shit kinda slaps slightly
Lastly i collected my clean laundry, but just threw it in a pile on the floor. But i'll count that as progress, bc in the asylum where i'm from?? even that is a victory bitch lets fucking go!!!!!!!!
And i'm journaling rn. that's always good C: It makes me feel proud and motivated, listing these little tasks I'd been putting off and stressing over as "done". Makes me wanna do MORE!!!11!!1!!
So my plan fo 2day:
It feels kinda silly just how much a list helps me figure out what i want/need to do. my brain is like that wojak meme but for "my objectives" (bored soyjack) and "my objectives but in a list" (excited soyjack). fucking computer ass reading comprehension jhfkjahndfbv
maybe i'll come back later and write abt how it went, but if i dont, byebye!!
Hiya! sooo yesterday went rlly well, so I'm here to talk Abt it a lil maybe but mostly to do the list again for today!
As you can see from what items are crossed off, I did basically everything that I set out to do! yay for me!! After that, I had an afternoon snack, rendered and old sketch of malenia and posted it to my Tumblr, started rendering another one but then got tired. So I filled in and customized a profile code for one of my characters on toyhouse! My mom had a couple friends over so I just kinda waited for them to leave for me to eat something then go to bed. it was around 1am at that point, so I woke up pretty late today.
Because of that I ate breakfast pretty late, and didn't really feel like going out to get lunch along with my family, so I just stayed home and did my little morning routine of playing crosswords and puzzles and sudoku while listening to podcasts. I just heated up some leftovers for lunch, but it was pretty damn good!!
I also download a few "educational" apps on my phone this "morning" (it was 11am). some for learning a language and one called pokemon smile! it's meant to make brushing ur teeth a fun, routine activity for little kids, and it's really adorable, so I hope it can help me keep that habit.
as for languages, one is for Morse code (I ~know~ it but I need it to be written out or transmitted very slowly to understand. even then, i have to think of a mnemonic for each letter and it takes a good while.); the others I was thinking of using to pick up Korean again... I bought this book and started learning Korean during my kpoppie phase, and I liked it bc it was really easy! but now that that phase is gone I really have no use for Korean...
I thought of maybe learning Japanese, since I'm really into the jrock/vkei/vocaloid music scene AND the gyaru/general harajuku scene, both being kinda underground from a westerner's viewpoint and therefore really hard to find translations... Also bc of that one samurai rpg I played, I've been pretty interested in medieval japanese history for a good few years now... The thing is that japanese, from what I've heard, is a REALLY DIFFICULT language to learn. and yk how ADHD is, if I don't see fast enough progress my brain is just gonna lose all interest and then feel sad abt it
But then again, since I have no use for Korean, will I even feel rewarded by my progress? It's fast, sure, but there's no point, so will it just feels like a waste of time and effort? well, ig i learned Morse code just bc, so maybe not. Idk, I'll try out both languages on the apps, go back to my Korean book and see how I feel. And worst case scenario, I spend money into learning Japanese then give up, but I'll have learned something and no knowledge is for nothing!
I just tried the pokemon smile thingy and omg its too cute TTOTT
My brother got homejust as i was abt to start and i was kinda embarrassed abt it but he just said "hold up i wanna do it with you" and ran to get his toothbrush ｡ﾟ(TヮT)ﾟ｡ its very cute, we caught a rattata!! looking at the empty collections really made me get the comments, i did just wanna brush my teeth again to get the rewards jfhjdhfgjs
i think after decorating the photos and all that cuteness i want to really decorate this page! lets see if i can do css that isnt inline like in toyhouse hehe ^w^
it took me all afternoon but i cannnnnn ☆⌒(*＾-°)v
at the start i tried using bootstrap but i didnt rlly get it and i also want that janky 00's personal webpage look so... NOTHING IS A BUG!!!! ITS ALL PART OF THE AESTHETIC!!!1!1!!!!1
i like coding c:
its ma birfdayyyyy ♫ヽ(゜∇゜ヽ)♪♬(ノ゜∇゜)ノ♩♪ ♫ヽ(゜∇゜ヽ)♪♬(ノ゜∇゜)ノ♩♪ ♫ヽ(゜∇゜ヽ)♪♬(ノ゜∇゜)ノ♩♪ im 19 now whopee!!!
i woke up and did my little morning games routine as usual, then i brushed my teeth and got a cool cap in the pokemon smile app B] then I started the korean courses on duolingo and memrise, it is nice to see my progress, even if theres no point to it besides "i wanna learn more stuff". I also downloaded a tarot reading/learning how to read app i used to use a couple years ago so i can brush op on the card meanings now that i've got my own deck :33 it did come with a book but it didn't include reversed meanings, i think that maybe thats A Thing with different tarot decks, but i'm not into it for the spirituality side and i think it's more fun to include reversed meanings so i like reading with those.
later today we're gonna go out for dinner to celebrate, but i got nothing scheduled until then. maybe i can pick out an outfit and do my makeup 'v' im getting the hang of gyaru makeup x3c
i guess i could address the laundry pile in my room but uhhhh what if i, like.... didn't :3c its my birthdayyyyy i shouldnt be told to do anythinggggg (>__< ;) besides, i cooked dinner AND brushed my teeth TWICE yesterday, which i think is pushing myself out of my comfort zone enough for 2day too
> . > i sound so much like a spoiled child when i say this, but i'm trying to unlearn shame and be nicer to myself so im gonna stand by it!!!!!1!!111!
ALSO!!!!! i think i figured out why the notebook img isnt working for a couple entries: its bc the height of the text doesnt reach the height of the photo, so instead of tiling it or stretching it out it just makes it smaller so both heights match up. idk how to fix it tho.... ive seen smth on toyhouse codes thats like a "fit to=..." tag, but ill have to look into it bc idk how it works. rn ill just leave it like this, i did say i liked the old-school jankyness of amateur css fjbdjfhgj
better yet!! i'll just add an img or graphic so it reaches the minimum height lol
Hi! Ontem foi mto mto bom <333333 eu terminei de preencher o código da Hisaki, meus amigos passaram aqui p me dar um presente (uma camiseta MUITO FODA do naruto x the cure), e me arrumei p ir jantar :3
Agr sobre hj....... n sei bem oq fazer. Eu joguei meus jogos (inclusive os de aprender coreano), fiz uma pagina nova inteira aqui (n ta linkado na home mas eh aql checklist do metodo konmari q eu achei num site c paywall) e almocei. eu até pensei em fazer a arrumaçao já mas uhhhhhhgh. eu n quero desenhar, mas provavelmente vou pq a atividade que eu to mais próximo de querer eh mexer nos códigos no toyhouse, e meu ombro já ta doendo de fazer a lista... Eu pensei em ou guardar minhas roupas ou ver o q tem pra fazer no moodle mas nnhnhhhghghgnbghghn
Eu contei q eu acordei as 4 da manhã? poisé, eu acordei às 4 da manhã. e n escovei os dentes. talvez eu devesse tomar banho e fazer uma lista msm q eu n siga ela. é engraçado, eu n tenho vontade de tomar banho, mas isso n é incomum, oq eu to estranhando agr é q eu n tenho nem o ímpeto de ir tomar banho... tipo, eu n tenho aquela motivação de "vou tomar banho daí vou me sentir limpo e arrumar meu quarto e daí eu vou me sentir melhor e evitar uma espiral depressiva!" pq eu n to me sentindo mal em primeiro lugar. Poderia estar melhor? sim, mas eu to dboa agr e n quero me uproot from this state e ficar não-dboa por um período de tempo indeterminado msm sabendo q eu mto provavelmente vou pra um estado melhor dps. tipo botar um peixe numa tigelinha provisória enqt tu limpa o aquário.
enfim, knowing myself ill probably start getting bummed out just bc im bored. ah tb lembrei de umas ideias q eu tive mais cedo de coisas p fazer! o dako fez um quiz de qual dos ocs dele vc seria e eu fiquei c vontade de fazer um tb (mas de qlqr jeito n agora agora pq ombro dói). Pensando nisso, tb lembrei das minhas fursonas q eu qria desenvolver, de fazer um desenho de presente pra Marina, e de propor uma trade pro dako! ideias, tamo aí. vou fazer uma lista igual
então, eu até achei que tinha escrito um log sobre isso já mas aparentemente não. hm. Bom, minhas aulas voltaram no primeiro de julho e eu tava ansioso mas foi muito melhor do que eu pensava! fui a semana toda, e até falei p minha psiquiatra que seg, ter e qua tinham sido dias mto bons, o q ela respondeu c "nunca imaginei q te ouviria falando sobre aulas num tom positivo"JSHDFGHDG
mas isso não durou muito... eu fui nos primeiros tres dias dessa segunda semana, daí faltei quinta e sexta por preguiça msm. Fiquei em casa esses dias e o fim de semana todo, como sempre. Na segunda eu ainda tava ok, mas minha psiquiatra tava doente daí n teve consulta daí eu almocei em casa daí eu me atrasei pra aula daí eu só não fui. Terça eu n ouvi meu despertador.
acho q foi quarta q eu notei q eu tava mal, ou talvez terça. eu voltei pra minha rotina da [enchentes break] e entrei naquele meu estado de "n quero", q eu suspeito q seja meu TDAH tda-agando. Eu cheguei a pensar bastante se eu realmente n tava conseguindo ir ou se eu só tava sendo preguiçoso, e n me lembro em qual dia q foi q eu cheguei a conclusão q era preguiça (ou pelo menos cheguei a conclusão que era melhor eu me convencer de q era preguiça) pq do ponto de vista de saúde, preguiça é muito menos preocupante que incapacidade, o q me deu um estalo, assim. eu sempre considerei preguiça como a maior falha moral que existe, e prefiro ficar doente do q negligenciar alguma responsabilidade só p n ter q ver a cara do meu pai qnd eu tenho q dizer p ele q n fiz tal coisa ou n fui na aula. e tipo, só agr q eu percebi o quão fudido isso é, especialmente qnd isso me faz querer e muitas vezes tentar causar uma emergência médica em mim msm pra ter um bom motivo p n fazer algo. tipo, se pra mim é mais fácil me envenenar de remédio do que só fazer o q é q seja q eu "to com preguiça" de fazer, acho q oo q ta me impedindo de fazer essa coisa não é preguiça. Colocando num cálculo, eu considero forçar essa "trava" em fazer as coisas menos prejudicial pra mim do que literalmente me overdosar de ibuprofeno e causar danos permanentes ao meu sistema digestório. mano.
eu perdi o fio da meada, calma. quarta eu tb n fui, n lembro se foi pq eu desliguei meu despertador e voltei a dormir e tb tinha química ent eu quis menos ainda mas de qlqr jeito eu poderia ter ido, mas não fui. Quinta eu já tava aceitando a ideia de q eu tava deprimido. Sexta foi meio q "o q eh um peido p quem ja ta cagado". daí fim de semana e eu continuei na mesma rotina e minha mãe viajou pro uruguai na segunda
eu queria voltar, tava realmente me organizando p ir na aula segunda, acho q eu até prometi q ia pro pedro na noite anterior e fiquei me mastigando por dentro pq eu quebrei a promessa. um dos meus amigos tentou me ligar quatro vezes mas eu só fiquei escutando o toque, nem silenciei. Acho que foi nesse ponto que virou a chave de apatia/fadiga pra tristeza mesmo. Com a minha mãe fora, o pedro tomou a tarefa de cuidar de mim e eu só. eu fico tão mal q as pessoas me amam e me querem bem e tentam me ajudar mas eu continuo mal. Óbvio que eu sei q isso n faz sentido e q os outros n pensam isso da situação, mas eu me sinto um ingrato. Eu odeio n chegar às expectativas das pessoas quando elas são tão triviais quanto "espero que tu coma três refeições hoje", e isso ao invés de me empurrar a tentar de novo e chegar nessas metas só me deixa com vergonha e eu me isolo porque como que eu vou olhar na cara do pedro qnd ele tentou me motivar a ir na aula com uma apostinha trivial e eu continuo no mesmo lugar que ele me viu qnd saiu de casa????
Minha psiquiatra n atendeu segunda, mas vamos tentar marcar uma consulta ainda essa semana.
eu só......... eu to tão mal cara.... eu só comecei a falar das coisas q tão na minha cabeça agr e já sinto aquela vontade de deitar com os gatos e nunca mais ter nenhum contato com o mundo lá fora. eu vim escrever com o objetivo de me sentir melhor, ou pelo menos ter algum progresso no processar de tudo isso. Eu ainda to aprendendo q dar uma boa chorada sobre o q me incomoda, msm q me deixe muito mais triste e desconfortável e com dor de cabeça, é melhor do que só ignorar e me dissociar dos meus sentimentos. é muito louco isso. acho q foi esse ano q eu tive outro episódio depressivo e eu tava tentando ignorar até q passasse e esconder de todo mundo mas minha mãe me pegou chorando. E a gnt n falou nada, eu só fiquei chorando no ombro dela e nada na minha situação mudou mas eu me senti tão, mas tão melhor. isso não faz o mínimo sentido pra mim. COMO que aquilo me ajudou, se não fez literalmente NADA. a gnt n cnversou, ent eu n tive nenhuma realização ou entendimento sobre como eu me sentia; n resolveu o que tava me estressando (n lembro agr oq era mas devia ser aula); e nem resolveu outras tarefas menores que se acumulam e me fazem sentir ainda pior (tipo manter minha higiene, arrumar meu quarto, ou fazer as tarefas da casa). NADA mudou. COMO QUE ISSO RESOLVEU MEU PROBLEMA SE >>>NADA<<< DO QUE ME AFETAVA MUDOU. COMO ASSIM.
eu me perdi dnv. enfim, n acho q eu conseguiria escrever c tanto detalhe sobre cada dia, eu nunca terminaria, ent vou só pular pro agora. Minha mãe ta voltando, eu marquei minha consulta pra amn de manhã, tomei coragem de dar um sinal de vida pros meus amigos e >quero< fazer ações pra melhorar minha situação, ent aqui vai uma lista pra me ajudar a organizar tdos os passos na minha mente:
é isso. eu te amo ceci do futuro. eu te amo ceci de daqui a cinco minutos. eu te amo ceci de ontem e de anteontem e dos últimos não sei quantos dias e eu não guardo nenhum ressentimento pelo que aconteceu. bo fazer um miojinho
hey gang
I'm on break again, which means I'm without a routine which means I'm on the brink of my depression if I don't do anything about it. This is 'anything about it'!
This list is gonna be a little different because I want to take this opportunity to sort out some stuff which would take more than one step, yanno? so idk. let's just try and figure this out
yeah. okay. yeah. i can work with that
today i'll start with the items i can just get done in one go. I'll make one of my regular dayly lists for that
i think that's good fo today
I did it! most of it. I got intimidated by the amount of laundry so instead i got started w my doctors' appointments :] most of them can only schedule after my semester begins, so I'll have to see a grade de horários antes de marcar. Mas eu consegui um horário com a dentista B) agr vou fazer um 🔥LANCHINHO🔥 talvez dps eu tome banho, talvez eu veja as minhas despesas, vamo ver. yayyy :3333 the horrors are not inescapable!!!!111!!!1 I have the capacity, even if limited, to shape my situation with my own hands and affect my environment, therefore having some agency over my life!!! yippieee!!!!! :333
GOOOOooood MORNING TURBO NATIONNNN
Yesterday was good :3 so i'm doing it again. My first priority today is fazer minha solicitação de matrícula, then i'll see what i feel like doing
let's try this again
